I'm angry.
Not angry at anyone, or anything persay, just mad.
Today we received a draft of Chelsea's IEP. I knew it would be hard to read, and it was, but at least I was ready for that this year. It was nice to see all the gains she's made over the past year. She's playing cooperatively with others, she has a longer attention span to sit at circle time, play at a center, attend to the teachers. She's using much more expressive language - really trying to talk. All good, no, great things.
Then I read the rest and I can't help but feel drained, sad, and angry. It's not anything anybody has done - her teacher has been nothing less than perfect. (And that's saying a lot coming from another teacher. Usually teachers are overly critical of their child's teacher.)
It's still incomprehensible to me - why do things have to be so hard for her? I know there are lots of things she'll do in her own time. I know. It just makes me incredibly mad that she has to try so much harder and work so much longer to accomplish things that come simply to her peers. So who is there to blame?
The easy thing to do is blame myself. If I wasn't working, I could go to her therapy like I used to, then I would know what she needs to be doing. I feel blind sighted - I didn't even know they were working on most of the things stated in the IEP and I don't have a clue how to help her with them. Lateral tongue movement?(Huh?) Running with correct form?(I thought there was only one way to run!)
After reading through the IEP I crawled in bed and snuggled up next to her. Stroking her freshly cleaned baby soft hair, rubbing those dry little legs, and those oh so sweet feet (with the big ol' gap between the toes) I couldn't help but think of the day she was born. We had no idea what the next four years would bring. We knew it would be hard, but we weren't even thinking about pre-school, IEP's, or God forbid I even mention it - Kindergarten.
After reading her goals for the next year - most of which aim at her doing things her peers are already doing - I realize she'll still be a year behind come next January. Then what? She'll be FIVE! Do we just delve into Kindergarten knowing she's got the skills of a four year old preschooler, or do we hold her back a year preparing her to perform her very best in Kindergarten?
You know what else pisses me off? The fact that I even have to think about things like this - puzzles, lateral tongues, and CVCV's. Ahhhh!
* Oh yeah, and don't leave me a comment that goes like this: Carey, she'll do it all in her own time, don't worry, she'll do fine. Blah, blah, blah. I know, she's fine, she'll be fine. Just let me be mad for a little while about it all, okay? No pity needed, ... really. I'm fine, and I'll get over it. I already know she's perfect. She's absolutely perfect in every way.
I'll update more on the details of the IEP later.
Hello world!
3 years ago
11 comments:
Big HUGS to you, Carey. Thank you for being so honest. Having just one child, and no "typically developing" children, I tend to not realize how behind Sammi is until we're in a situation w/lots of typical children (birthday parties, playgrounds, etc.). Then I have those thoughts in abundance. Kindergarten's going to be a BIG wakeup call to us, too, I'm afraid. Big hugs to Chelsea, too. She's an amazing little girl.
Carey I feel the exact same way sometimes, IEP's are so hard, I think it has a lot to do with seeing it in print. It does make you mad and there is nothing you can do about it because we aren't in control over it. The only thing I will insist is you stop the mommy guilt, YOU are doing everything you can for that sweet girl...NEVER.FORGET.IT.
hugs all around!
Big hugs and quit beating yourself up! No one is to blame! Chelsea will do what she is able to do when she is able to do it. You know kids, even "typical" kids, all learn at different rates and in different ways. Kayla's in Kindergarten. She can't even scribble yet, she's nonverbal, not toilet trained. And no amount of therapy or "homework" is going to make her do things any quicker than she is able to do them. Yeah, I know how hard it is when you want them to be at a certain point and it seems FOREVER! (and I have another child who is academically gifted, so that really messes with my mind!) And honestly, I know that there are some things Kayla will never do. And that's OK. As long as she's happy and safe. Chelsea's been through a lot in her short life, too. Big hugs to all.
I say if anyone is entitled to a few angry moments it is you, Darling!
I can understand why you get frustrated. Sometimes, in situations like this (whether dealing with a child with a disability, delay, illness)/ (I have had a lot of illness/surgeries more than I can count) and when I feel sorry for myself-a lesson learned was that you have to put it in perspective. Although it's not what you dreamed of when pregnant, when you get down-always focus on the positives-you have a child who loves you & can express it (think of those children that can't hug/or express themselves either verbally or non-verbally); despite her delays she is accomplishing things some children never will.-PM
The angry stuff I can get - I don't really go there, but I understand why you would and think it's probably kind of good to get angry just because some times. But, I really think you of all people should never give yourself a guilt trip for not doing enough. You're freaking supermom. One of these days you're going to look back and try to figure out how the heck you did it all. Seems like anger, the feeling, is good; but guilt - that's just a total waste of emotion most of the time. Those that should feel it, rarely do -
Carey,
You get as mad as you want. Get it all out, hit something, yell, cry, whatever...you know she is perfect in every way. You want the best for her and her to be as perfectly "normal" as can be. I looked at one of our children with Down's Syndrome children yesterday at school and thought to myself how happy she always is. She is in first grade and we are working on potty-training her. She is thrilled when we go in and I make a big deal out of her "big girl" panties and she potties in the "big girl" toilet. She always has a smile on her face much like I envision Chelsea. How wonderful that would be.
How is she doing in class? We are using a different method of teaching in our classroom (functional academic program) this year that is working wonderfully with our children. It was originally developed with children with autism, but, we have found it is great for all of our students. If you are interested, just let me know. I could go on and on because I have seen parents that go through exactly what you are right now. I think it seems more "real" and "hurtful" when it is in print. I wish I could be your sweet little Chelsea's teacher. :)
I pray you will soon feel better about this and Chelsea will continue to improve by leaps and bounds. God Bless.
Janet
janet3962@aol.com
Don't forget that even "typically developing" kids sometimes need to start kindergarten a year late to be ready and not have a stressful year that they may end up repeating.
I know you posted this several days ago. I am just now playing catch up.
I was in church today and we were talking about being mad, angry, sad, depressed. The lesson, Give God your problems and instead of feeling like this, think about your blessings instead.
Hope things are getting better for you. Who cares what the IEP's say, I have an older child with no medical issues and he really struggles in school and yes it is frustrating but as long as he tries his hardest everyday, that is all I can ask for.
Take care.
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