I keep finding myself worrying about the future. We've come to this place in our lives we've been awaiting for so long, a happy place, a good place. But it's as if I need something else to worry about, I can't get this leukemia off my mind. Something inside me keeps telling me, "it's over, you're done, she beat it." Unfortunately my mind doesn't listen too well, and I keep going back to the what if ... dare I even think the word relapse? I know her chances are wonderful that she'll remain in remission; she's had great treatments, the best doctors and care, but then again, we weren't so lucky to get it in the first place. I need to do some of that self-talk, 'she's fine, she's healthy, the cancer is NOT coming back' ... repeat 10 times daily. Maybe these thoughts are evidence of my apprehension of our clinic appointment on Wednesday. We have no reason to think everything won't go perfectly. Once your child is sick though, you live with fear every single day. I don't want to live my life like this though, I don't want to live in fear.
On a lighter note, Ryan had his tooth pulled yesterday. The one that was bothering him. It was completely broken in half from his wisdom tooth pushing on it. Logan went with us to the appointment and of course, Mr. 20 questions, asked if he could see the tooth after they pulled it. Sure enough they wrapped it up in a plastic bag for him! Logan wanted to put it under his pillow to see if the tooth fairy would come, but by bedtime tonight he had forgotten about it. I think the tooth fairy might know that tooth is a little bit too big for such a little boy!
Ryan will have to take another day off on Wednesday, but I'm thankful he's coming with us to our clinic appointment. I'm going to try to bake some goodies for the nurses in clinic and on the floor. I'd also like to bring something special up to the parents who are inpatient right now. I know how awful it is, and hopefully a little homemade treat would make their day a little bit better. I'm thinking chocolate zucchini bread. If you're frowning, don't knock it until you try it, ... absolutely delicious, ask my family!
Hello world!
3 years ago
5 comments:
I can in some way understand how you feel, although I don't live with the same exact fear as you. I think that the fear will always linger...you guys have been through a lot. I hope and pray one day though that it will get lost way back in the back of your mind. As for the poker run...what a nice thing to do. The pictures are priceless. I do not think that people who have helped realize what kind of impact they make on a family's life. They are TRUE HEREOS!!!
Thinking of you guys always.
Love,
Amy
I hope that you will one day NOT worry about the what if's.
And chocolate zucchini bread???!!! UMMM...YUMMMMM!! you NEED NEED NEED to share that recipe! I love Zucchini bread, but never had a chocolate version
You know, I know in comparision to everything you guys have gone through our situation with Abby is soooo minor. I can tell you that somewhere in the back of your mind you will always have that fear. Eventually, though, days go by and you don't think of it. Before Abby got sick the first time I never had anxiety about anything. After she got sick everytime she felt a little warm or said her tummy hurt I had a little anxiety attack.
You are on the backside of this thing now and so for the first time don't have to live in the moment with that moment's worries and fears. This is probably the first time you have had to really process it all and deal with your emotions. When you are the mommy you don't always get to deal with your emotions during the crisis. Your fears are normal. I have a feeling learning to live with them and process it all is part of your new "normal". The best advice I got was to not fight how I was feeling but rather to let it happen and walk through it. Only part of your battle is over. Now you have to battle back to finding out who you all are after cancer. You will get there. Give it some time!
Always here if you need a shoulder!!
We're a year out and I STILL have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's not over. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. Eventually you learn to live with it I guess. Stupid Cancer.
The one thing that keeps me going is remembering to take it one day at a time and to not borrow my worries.
The bread sounds awesome.
Blessings - Amy Stapp
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