Reflecting

I know everyone says, don't go there, but I have to. The longer we face such a powerful diagnosis, the more my mind retraces the last few months. Were there signs? Was I missing something? Well, of course there were. Here's what I can come up with so far, and yes they may be unrelated, but again they may be completely relevant. I know there are many people who read my blog and have children with Down syndrome (who are at increased risk for leukemia), so if nothing else maybe this will raise some awareness.

* Late August Chelsea was throwing up, often after nap, when she had an empty stomach. For a while she did it everyday, but she had no other signs of symptoms and it didn't seem to be a virus. I took her to the doctor after a week and a half of this. I kept a food diary for a week and he didn't see anything suspicious in what she was eating. He prescribed Reglan, but we opted not to use this as we heard some awful things about its' side effects. It eventually subsided, so we dropped it. I read recently vomiting can be a sign/symptom of leukemia.
* At that same appointment with the doctor, I mentioned her stools had been black for a couple of days. He stopped and thought about it for a minute (I can always tell when our doctors is concerned). Then he gave me something to take a sample with and said to return it to the office on Monday if the black stools continue. Of course they didn't, so once again, we dropped it. For some reason we always have strange things happen to us on Fridays! I later asked a friend (nurse) what black stools meant, and she said it could mean old blood in her stomach...hmmmm. That had me nervous. I haven't seen this to be a symptom of AML, but I'm now convinced it is related.
* Then of course there's the fact that she was becoming an increasingly picky eater. We attributed this to her age and figured she was just acting like her brother. Hey, who wants to eat green beans and carrots once you've experienced the pure delight of chocolate ice cream?
* Finally I wonder if she would have walked sooner had she not had cancer. I know she did start walking very early, 18 months, but I can't even count the number of times her physical therapists told me ... she's strong enough to walk, there's no reason she's not walking. Again we brushed it off as a confidence issue. Maybe she was too weak, often with AML the children have bone pain.

Okay, that's all the connecting of the dots I'm doing tonight, I just had to get it off my chest. This is like my diary...except it's public...VERY public. Who needs secrets anyways?