Denial

I think at some point in our life we go through denial. Maybe we don't want to admit we're getting older, or that our children are growing up, or that those extra few pounds have turned into twenty. My denial as of late goes much deeper than that though. There's a fine line between life and death and somehow I've gone to a place where I've learned to shut out death. If I don't think about it, don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen. But people die, people we love - die. It truly is a part of life, but my heart cannot withstand the type of death we have laid witness to lately.

Last week another friend of ours passed away. Another child - actually to us she is still just a baby. We met Marianna when she was about 6 months old. She was diagnosed with leukemia during one of Chelsea's last rounds of chemo. Her poor mama Tracey rocked her, walked the halls with her and stayed by her side day and night. We saw Marianna a few times over the past year in clinic, and each time we were given a little bit of hope. Her leukemia never went into full remission and they struggled to find her a bone marrow match - but they did. Last spring it was evident that her little body couldn't handle the chemo she needed before transplant and her mom made the most difficult decision ever - to let her live the rest of her life at home, with her family. She spent the summer months surprisingly healthy and surrounded in love.

Now little Marianna is cancer free. Her fight is over, just like Jacob, McKensie, Kerry, Cade, and all the other children who have lost their lives to childhood cancer. Every time one of our friends passes away I busy myself in life. I put off blogging, sympathy cards, anything I can to keep myself at a distance. I keep telling myself I'll send those cards when I have the right words. I don't think the words ever come though. Really, what do you tell a mother who has lost their child?

I doubt the right words will ever come, so this week I'm getting those cards in the mail. Maybe just a hello and a signature will mean something special to these very special friends. While I work on this please remember those friends who are still fighting: Santos, Claire, Ashlyn, Hunter, Aspen, Kim, & Eileen.

My little angel returns to clinic next Tuesday - it's been four months! This is the first time we've gone longer than 1 month to have her blood checked. I had almost forgotten that awful feeling I get before her appointments. It will just be Chelsea and I traveling down to the big city. Prayers for her continued remission please!